Monday, October 17, 2011

How to Avoid a Personal Meltdown

"Even when not actively generating power, nuclear power reactors require cooling, typically provided by coolant flow, to remove decay heat.[16] Pressurized water reactors use water flow at high pressure to remove waste heat. After an emergency shutdown (SCRAM), the core still generates a significant amount of residual heat, which is initially about seven percent of the total thermal output of the plant. If not removed by coolant systems, the heat could lead to core damage." (Wikipedia:  Chernobyl disaster)

What do you do when you have an anger that is as wide as the ocean and as deep as the deep blue sea, and yet you are a caring individual and a responsible citizen who does not want to see innocent people, including yourself, especially yourself, hurt by this anger?

In the case of a nuclear plant, you need lots of water to keep things cool, and that analogy works for human beings.

For me, the love of my family and friends is water.  A creative outlet is water.    Exercise is water.  Doing something nice for someone is water.  Meditation and prayer. Smiling and laughing.  Puppies and kittens.  Flowers and trees. Music. Rain... 

Children can be water, for some people, but not for me. Children remind me of February 6, 2009.  It was the last day I ever taught in a classroom.  Principal S _ _ _ _ _  T _ _ _ _ removed me from the classroom and sent me to the infamous Rubber Room.  I retired on November 17, 2010 without being charged with anything, but as soon as she found out that I had retired,  T _ _ _ _ sent me an e-mail telling me to come to school to pick up my charges. Of course, I didn't go.  I had waited twenty months for her stupid trumped-up charges.  As far as I was concerned she could stick them where the sun don't shine.   I had no desire to ever teach again--and still don't.  I don't even want to babysit.

Almost a year has passed since my retirement, and instead of feeling better about what happened to me under Bloomberg's Department of Education, I feel worse.  I've tried to move on, engineering a vast coolant system.  However, when I'm least expecting it--POW!!!--I'm back in the classroom hearing "You called her a slut!!!!"  Or....there are a a thousand bad moments, and I can't experience any good ones.  I know I had them as a teacher.   I remember them with my mind, but I don't feel them with my heart.

This blog has been a pretty effective part of my coolant system.    Up until now it's been a kind journal.  Now I'm going to start to write down memories from early in my career as well.    I'm trying to make sense of it all, and I admit I'm coming from a very negative place.  I'll make an effort to remember and write the positive memories even though, as I said, I'm not feeling them.


Pissed Off said...

Just write, it will help. I have no words for you and can't even imagine what you are going through.
Although nothing really bad ever happened to me while I was teaching for the DOE, I didn't have a very good last few years. Getting a new job, where I can teach and be appreciated has done wonders for my self esteem and I am finally able to let go of some of my anger. Good luck. Remember, the writing is for you. Don't worry about what others might say or think. Let it all out.

Ms Untamed said...

I might as well take advantage of retirement. That comment about "where the sun don't shine" would have once gotten me charged with insubordination. Couldn't give a principal's ass what most people say or think now. But I appreciate the comment and encouragement.

Anonymous said...

I understand your pain and anger. I also was very angry and had a lot of anger deep inside for a long after how I was treated. In time, it will eventually pass and you see the bright light and be headed out of the forest.

P.O'd is right about the writing. Writing also helped me. It also helped that I ended up substituting and being in places that actually treat children appropriately and like my style and the way I teach, a place that actually fits me (too bad, there are budget cuts, no permanent jobs there). I also applied for other jobs and realized that employers actually do want me and like what I have to offer and was accepted job offers. This helped knowing that I am at least in demand.

Definitely keep on writing, maybe even sub in a school if you would want to do that. My first experience substituting in a city school was actually very positive. I also was brought into a very school that really tries to do the right thing.

Ms Untamed said...

Thanks. I'm glad you got past your anger, and are doing the work you love. Teaching is out of the question for me right now. It looks like writing is what I will be doing for quite some time. Fortunately I have a pension that funds that.