Monday, October 17, 2011
How to Avoid a Personal Meltdown
"Even when not actively generating power, nuclear power reactors require cooling, typically provided by coolant flow, to remove decay heat. Pressurized water reactors use water flow at high pressure to remove waste heat. After an emergency shutdown (SCRAM), the core still generates a significant amount of residual heat, which is initially about seven percent of the total thermal output of the plant. If not removed by coolant systems, the heat could lead to core damage." (Wikipedia: Chernobyl disaster)
What do you do when you have an anger that is as wide as the ocean and as deep as the deep blue sea, and yet you are a caring individual and a responsible citizen who does not want to see innocent people, including yourself, especially yourself, hurt by this anger?
In the case of a nuclear plant, you need lots of water to keep things cool, and that analogy works for human beings.
For me, the love of my family and friends is water. A creative outlet is water. Exercise is water. Doing something nice for someone is water. Meditation and prayer. Smiling and laughing. Puppies and kittens. Flowers and trees. Music. Rain...
Children can be water, for some people, but not for me. Children remind me of February 6, 2009. It was the last day I ever taught in a classroom. Principal S _ _ _ _ _ T _ _ _ _ removed me from the classroom and sent me to the infamous Rubber Room. I retired on November 17, 2010 without being charged with anything, but as soon as she found out that I had retired, T _ _ _ _ sent me an e-mail telling me to come to school to pick up my charges. Of course, I didn't go. I had waited twenty months for her stupid trumped-up charges. As far as I was concerned she could stick them where the sun don't shine. I had no desire to ever teach again--and still don't. I don't even want to babysit.
Almost a year has passed since my retirement, and instead of feeling better about what happened to me under Bloomberg's Department of Education, I feel worse. I've tried to move on, engineering a vast coolant system. However, when I'm least expecting it--POW!!!--I'm back in the classroom hearing "You called her a slut!!!!" Or....there are a a thousand bad moments, and I can't experience any good ones. I know I had them as a teacher. I remember them with my mind, but I don't feel them with my heart.
This blog has been a pretty effective part of my coolant system. Up until now it's been a kind journal. Now I'm going to start to write down memories from early in my career as well. I'm trying to make sense of it all, and I admit I'm coming from a very negative place. I'll make an effort to remember and write the positive memories even though, as I said, I'm not feeling them.